I’m writing this while suffering from what my dentist calls ‘post operative discomfort’ (not to mention the effects of several tons of painkillers). I call it pain rather than discomfort and it is the result of him removing three parts of my body with pincers (NB. 3 parts doesn’t mean ‘three quarters’ as many Yorkshire folk use the term – that would be silly). He calls them roots I call them three parts of my body that I was definitely attached to, judging by his efforts – my head moving quite violently from side to side -to separate them from the rest of my body. He didn’t quite have his knee on my chest but I could tell, even through the anesthetic, that they didn’t want to be parted from the rest of me. The radio played on. Won’t Get Fooled Again by The Who. Significant? A different, younger assistant, did not accompany the humming dentist and Pete Townsend’s power chords. Probably too cool for The Who or just not interested in promotion.
I said I would include a Tommy Cooper joke in my blog but, apart from inserting three jokes about dogs in blog, I haven’t done so. No better time to correct that now in this blog about dentists. One of my favourite TC jokes, it went something like –
I went to the dentist, he said sit down Mr Cooper, funny chair I thought, most dentist’s chairs go up and down this one went in and out. He said Mr Cooper you’re sitting in the filing cabinet.
If I’m not counting the blemishes on the surface of my dentist’s light I sometimes run through this joke when I’m sitting there in said chair. And the good news is I have to go back for fillings next week, at least I get something ‘concrete’ for my money rather than losing body parts, watch this space. As far as I know there are not any other TC jokes about dentists – unfortunately.
So what with the post operative discomfort and my shoulder, which continues to give me grief, I’m in a bit of a mess. Mind you, I have learned a new skill with my shoulder problem. I currently clean my teeth by keeping the toothbrush still and moving my head from side to side, reminds me of the TC joke. So, although a little down in the dumps, life goes on.
I suppose I could have not written this blog and given my body parts a rest but a terrifying piece of news came to me as I lay in bed trying to recover from my various ailments and discomforts. I am, it must be admitted not a man who suffers nobly in silence but this news item caused me to shout out loud. I was listening to Classic FM, remote control ready to zap the idiot adverts which, incidentally, seemed to have shortened their ‘legals’ – obviously they read my blog on the subject and took heed, They are no less irritating for their repetition CFM please take note. I swear I will start listening to Radio 3. Where was I? Oh, yes, lying in bed listening to the news when this terrifying item came on – it said the average cost of keeping a dog was £13,000 a year – WHAT? This cannot be true. We’ve got two of the little darlings, that’s most of my pension right there. The item said the main expenditure was on food. Well that’s OK, we can just stop feeding them.
Of course they provide many useful life lessons of the type that cannot be found in any book – for example a couple of days ago Millie (female dog, AKA a bitch) came into the room to find Archie and I canoodling on the bed ( I think that’s still legal), she went straight downstairs and peed on the sofa. I couldn’t help thinking how much simpler life would be if we all expressed ourselves so immediately and succinctly, smellier yes, but so much more therapeutic. A valuable lesson, but probably not worth 13 grand. It makes even my dentist’s bill seem reasonable.
So just a quickie, I could have just not bothered but the show must go on. I cannot let my loyal follower down. You know I’m beginning to think that this retirement business is just one very rich tapestry. I’ve a good mind to pop upstairs and knock out a version of Carole King’s marvelous song Tapestry and post it on Songcloud. Unfortunately my injuries do not encourage such a response, so will have to make do with bloody Classic FM or maybe Radio 3? Or maybe I’ll just go and put Carole on the CD player.
* Carole’s tapestry was of ‘rich and royal hue’ but then she was a songwriter.