Retirement and friendships. What happens to friendships as we grow older? I suppose the answer should be something along the lines of, well they simply endure (that’s why it’s a friendship) or even, they get better with age. Something to do with understanding and valuing your friends’ strengths and even their weaknesses and the warm glow of aging together. Ah the joys of sharing our latest health issue and maybe even finding you have similar problems. Some comfort there.
Hmm I admit that’s ringing a few bells. And one obvious thing that happens, and that has to be recognised, is that they cease for the simple reason (although it does not feel simple at the time) that they die. I’ve lost three good friends in recent times. Sod’s law is that, I liked them all. But of course you did, that’s why they were friends. You like friends don’t you?
Well not so fast. I have friends I don’t much like and what has happened is that I’ve liked them less and less as I’ve got older. I’m not sure why this should be. The obvious answer is that either they’ve changed or, perish the thought, I have. And obviously not for the better.
I suppose what should happen is that, as friendships become rarer, they should be more cherished. Although it’s short step to, maybe you become more needy and so reliant on your friends. So if this is the case then how come they’re more irritating? Is it just that dependency can be annoying?
Obviously their peccadilloes (nice word) grow less attractive as they age. But there’s another angle which is their insistence of forcing me into the same personality box that they always have. I can tell you, from recent experience, that it irks me. Oh those same old stories of my short-comings, failings, embarrassing incidents, etc. trotted out at every meeting.
Yes, there’s some pleasure in certain old memories but others are outright annoying. The trouble is I’m not sure I know the difference so how can I expect them to? I suppose there’s no doubt I’m less tolerant of them than I am of myself. Is that a problem?
And it has to be said, and I’m not proud of this, but when I fall out with friends, I tend to stay fallen out, no forgive and forget in my behavioural repertoire. Although, that said, while we were in Whitby I decided to look up and old, ex ‘friend’ who I have stayed fallen out with for a few years. They have a holiday home there and as we were in town I decided to repair a few bridges. I’m not good at this but as I thought the falling out was mostly my fault, I would make an effort. They weren’t there, so much for good intentions. Anyway, I digress.
Back to current friends. I’m certainly less envious of their lifestyles, of what they’ve got and we haven’t. I mean if by the age of 73 you haven’t sorted out a fairly desirable lifestyle of your own, then all I can say is, you’re leaving it a bit late. So no, there’s very little in the way of envy to factor in or even excuse my intolerance.
Time to confess, at this point in this blog, that the inspiration for it, if that be the appropriate term, comes from two days away on the Yorkshire coast (including Scarborough as above in photo) meeting up with two sets of ‘old’ friends. I’ll say right now, that this unusual event of late (the pandemic you know) returned a 50% success rate. One meeting worked well and the other did not.
I’m not going into detail about the whys and wherefores of this judgement. But in one case I (Mrs Summerhouse would not agree) couldn’t wait to get away, refusing to go back to their holiday cottage for a cup of tea. In the other case we said we’d meet up again in the not too distant future which I suppose must mean it went well.
Retirement and friendships summary
I realise that, true to my usual form, all I’ve done with this blog is unpack, in somewhat random fashion, a few related issues without in any way drawing any conclusions about what happens to friendships as we get older. Are they more cherished because they are increasingly rare or simply allowed to drift away because you can’t be bothered with their idiosyncrasies and (as you perceive them) shortcomings. Sorry I have no idea, perhaps you do.