I swear I will give up Facebook, but so far, although I swear it, it hasn’t happened. Pure inertia on my part I suppose. I would like to give it up because I am increasingly irritated by the number of unrequested items that pop up. I would calculate that 90% of what comes is not requested and not of interest to me. But every now and again in the remaining 10% something appears that is both relevant and of interest. That, and the fact this retirement blog gets likes and comments (pathetic I know), keeps me coming back.
One such item appeared on my Facebook this very morning. It was from a woman, who at the age of 61, had just retired. I think this is correct but I can’t check it because, unlike the 1,000 other items I don’t want, it has disappeared. However, I remember the gist of what she wrote because she said she was struggling with her newly retired state.
Well, I thought, we’ve all been there and, in a moment of kindness most unlike me, I decided I would respond to her plea for help, for that is what it was. I, after some hesitation (I’m not in the habit of writing back to unknown women asking for help), thought it might be helpful if I sent her a link to my retirement blog containing my number one top tip for people looking for a satisfying retirement.
The tip, four years ago (when I wrote a retirement blog about such things), was and still is – develop a new identity. One that matches up in any number of ways to that we lost when we gave up that identity bequeathed to us by our jobs. Before I go any further with this line of thought let me tell you, whatever my good intentions, they’re not going to come to fruition on account, as I say, of the item disappearing.
I don’t think she will suffer too greatly from the absence of my ‘advice’ (you will understand the reason for the inverted commas in a moment) because she had loads of supportive responses about what she should do to have a successful retirement. Anything from kite flying to the, more predictable, take up some form of charity work. That’s about all I can remember. Had I known I was not going to have access to these responses I would have paid more attention to the list.
I was, though, amazed at how many ‘helpful’ responses she got. I never get that many ‘comments’. Maybe I’m not needy enough? The only one that wasn’t 100% supportive was along the lines of – be grateful you live in a world where you have the luxury of worrying about what you’re going to do and the time and money to support your quest. It wasn’t unkindly it just stood out because of the ones I scanned through (by no means all of them, to repeat myself I intended to return to the list) it was the only one that didn’t offer sensible or well-meaning advice. Other than be grateful of course.
It did set me to wondering about how I operated as a psychologist when confronted by people apparently wanting advice / the right answer, to the problem they were presenting to me. My way of working was not to offer advice / solutions but to help them find their own. They were more likely to take seriously and act upon ‘advice’ if they had worked it out for themselves, went the reasoning. A bit like the image above.
I’m not saying there is never a place for direct advice* but generally I believed then, and still believe, one’s own advice is best. I could, I suppose, elaborate on this and, as a working psychologist all those years ago, I frequently did, but now is not the time nor do I have the inclination. Broadly it’s about ownership. But it’s still true I think.
What I did do was try and ask the kind of questions and / or provide the kind of reflection (you know the classic response from a helping professional – so you want to jump out the window) that led to some sensible problem-solving on the part of the client. On my, annoyingly brief, scan through this woman’s responses I didn’t see any of these but, to repeat myself, I didn’t study them carefully at the time and now they’re gone.
One of these problem-solving (we preferred the term and the concept, ‘solution-finding’) questions that comes floating back through the haze was something along the lines (and this bearing in mind when you retire you don’t have to look for something entirely new), what would you like to have continue in your life when you retire? It might need a bit of adapting but it’s a good place to start.
For me, for example, I did a lot of writing when I was a psychologist, training materials and the like. I wanted to continue writing and, at least a part of my new identity, was to be a writer, hence this blog, my ghost stories and the ebooks. Obviously I had to adapt this type of activity to suit a retirement setting but broadly the satisfaction offered by the activity remains the same.
So it’s an activity that links to my past in a positive way and yet takes me down the route of a new identity as well. It’s what you might call a double whammy. Oh and it happens to provide a therapeutic outlet for the many frustrations I experience as a retired person. Would that be a triple whammy perhaps?
So you see if I had carried out my threat to terminate Facebook I would never have had the inspiration if that’s not too grand a word to write this very blog. And you dear reader would not have had access to my wonderful advice. Whoops no, not advice because I don’t do advice. Or do I?
*See my response to recent comment about giving advice after 700 blog.
Amazing how many say they don’t want to be on Facebook, yet stay! Once on, I understand there’s no way to completely erase one’s details? Some say they want to keep up with what their kids are doing, but they see only what those kids want them to see!
I went to a retirement course, which was mostly negative, such as asking what reason I had to get out of bed tomorrow. When asked for advice of what to do in retirement, I just say “go with the flow”, and follow whatever comes up!
Certainly no way we’re on FB to follow our kids they’re the last people I want to follow! I admire your go with the flow but I’m more of a control freak kinda guy, not proud of it but there it is. Thanks for the comment.